During the first few days of being the only white person around you feel like you do in those dreams where suddenly you realize you are naked. What’s on my face? Have I grown a tail or something I haven’t noticed? Why are people looking at me like I’m from another planet?!? Now it’s just normal. If I’m going to scratch a mosquito bite I now acknowledge that 50 women are watching me and so chances are someone will become concerned and want to sit next to me and keep the bugs away. I don’t feel the stares in the same way anymore. I simply recognize that my every move is under close observation. Truth be told, depending on the day this reality has different impacts on my mood. Some days I am fine, but many days I spend a lot of time wishing I was a chemelione and could blend in, even if just for a moment. Anyways, the point is, that when I sit in front of these women, I am not uncomfortable with the 100 eyes watching me.
They clap as I arrive and the meeting begins with a prayer. The meetings are always incredibly formal with lengthy procedures to follow. All of the leadership of the organization are referred to by their honorable positions rather than their names. There is always much to be said, which must, of course, be said many times over and over again. The meeting is clearly focused on me. I am completely overwhelmed. I do not feel anywhere near observing of the praise they give me. I still have not given them anything other than my time. Even so, the women look at me with thankful eyes and never have I felt the meaning of my simple presence more than when I sit there – a young girl traveling alone, unable to promise or give much – and in me they see hope. Touched as I am by their gratitude, it also places a tremendous weight of responsibility on my shoulders. All of these grown women, with wisdom I will never attain, with families, and dreams… all looking at what little I can do to give them hope and encouragement. Yikes. Talk about pressure and the impending sense of doom that I am going to let all of these women down.
After many speeches giving thanks to me, giving thanks to God, and giving thanks to one another for staying strong and faithful the women presented me with a gift. Florence the General Secretary of the organization introduced the presentation by saying that the message they wanted me to take back with me was that just because they are poor does not mean they are not able. Among their abilities despite poverty, is the ability to celebrate and provide for a visitor. They sang and danced in their traditional Acholi form with high-pitched tribal calls and soft rhythmical lyrics as they surrounded me. All of the on-looking women had enormous smiles on their faces as the performing group presented me with gifts (two necklaces and a pair of earings in the color they know I like and is so hard to find, a hand made purse an a huge jar of home made ground nut butter). Luckily I have become skilled in holding back tears, but it was a difficult task. It was one of those moments when I want to close my eyes and tilt my head backwards, wishing that all of the people that I love could share the experience with me. I am at a loss for words to write, just as I was at a loss for words when it was my turn to address the crowd.
I began speaking slowly and inarticulately (as many of those who know me can imagine very well – Katie when she’s tired or hungry). Eventually I eased into it and spoke what was truly in my heart. I told them that just as they sometimes feel at a loss for hope, as a student of development, I too find myself feeling hopeless. I spend a lot of time overwhelmed by the problems and unable to make myself part of any solution. I told them that I extended my stay in Uganda very unsure of what my purpose in doing so was. I simply felt I had to stay. I told them that the minute I met them I knew that they were why I stayed. They are showing me that I can be useful. They are also showing me exactly what Florence stated, that even though people may be poor and suffering, it does not mean that they are not able. I thanked them for being an inspiration to me, and for being an example for all people who struggle through life and sometimes feel hopeless.
Towards the end of the meeting one of the members of the group stood up and came to the front and thanked me for spending my time with them. She said that they have all suffered tremendous losses in their lives. Most of them come from the north and have lost many relatives and friends to violent conflict. Many people have been taken away from them. Therefore, they are even more thankful for me because I was brought to them. When so much has been taken away, God brought someone to them, which, she said, made them feel their losses a little bit less and their gains a little bit more. She said it helped them forget the past and think more about the future. I’ve never felt more undeserving. I have not given them a single thing other than my time.
If I was not 100% committed to making One Mango Tree a success before, I am now. I am truly touched and inspired by these women. I am excited to see what Halle and I can accomplish with OMT.
I can’t help but think about the nature of my relationship with these women and how they view me. It seems so wrong in many ways for them to treat me with such high regard. Had you been watching this ceremony you would have thought that I had just announced that I could bring their relatives back from the dead and send everyone to school. I am not doing that, nothing close to that. What Halle and I are offering is something, but it is not that much and I cannot help but feel guilty. It seems as though they know exactly what I am offering and either that is enough for them to be this grateful, or they have other expectations that are unspoken. I think that people always have unspoken expectations when they see the color of my skin. I do feel as though that issue has been addressed within the group, I have been very specific in explaining the nature of our relationship.
And so I leave them feeling inspired and thankful but also afraid that I am going to let them down and guilty that the color of my skin gives me such a high status in their eyes when really they are the ones who should be praised. I wish that I could do the seating arrangements and place all of them on the coach, that is clearly indicative of status, and I would sit on the mat under the tree looking up at them with admiration. THAT is the nature of the relationship as I view it, as OMT views it and that is what I have done my very best to portray to them.
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