Shoshoni

I thought I had to go to India, but all I had to do was drive 45 minutes north of Boulder, Colorado to get a taste of the ashram experience. At Shoshoni I observed silence for 3 days, I turned off my phone and computer and retreated into myself. I meditated for an hour at 5am every morning, I did two yoga classes and one pranayama (breathwork) class each day, and went to an evening meditation or ceremony every night. After 3 days of silence I re-entered the world of talking and extended my stay for a week. My yoga and spiritual practices grew more in one week than it had in years before. A few major breakthroughs occurred that represent the changes that I experienced there. 

First, I realized that meditation is work. If you really want to meditate, if you really want to find that space within yourself, you have to have a disciplined practice. You have to work at it. Closing your eyes and breathing isn't enough. You have to constantly practice letting go of your thoughts and coming back to the present. I finally acknowledged that if I want to be serious about meditation, it's going to involve a significant amount of time and effort.

Second, I realized that I will never be able to put my beliefs into a box. At the root of all my explorations is the fact that I am a questioner. I am a questioner that yearns for answers. I am a searcher looks for a way to name my experiences, my spirituality. I want to name my feelings and my practices and put them into an intellectual or religious framework. For the first time, at Shoshoni, I both realized and started to give into the truth - some things cannot be explained. Why does the temple have both Buddhist and Hindu deities? What religion does yoga come from? What do I call this feeling? "Katie, stop trying to explain things and just live in the experience". There are deities from many religions in one space because they each bring something meaningful to the experience. Yoga comes from inside of you. This feeling? Well, it feels right and I can go along with that without defining it. I can't put my beliefs into a box because my spiritual identity is not definable - it is defined moment by moment and I have never been able to predict what the next moment will entail. 

Third, I kicked up into a handstand. Years trapped in the comfortable experience of looking at the world right-side-up. Years of practicing yoga and even training as an instructor and I remained terrified of pushing myself that tiny bit extra to defy the gravity that held me down. A new sense of self-confidence, a faith in the present, and letting go of the past and the future, I finally found stability within the fear and discomfort of being up-side-down. Taking the risk, pushing fear aside, and just going for it. The last 4 months have made up the most rewarding handstand of my life. The world is up-side-down, that is the right side up and I wouldn't have it any other way.